Of Humans

We ache for a human connection
For a hand to hold when dancing with the waves
For an ear to whisper as we lie on the sand
Under the blanket of a thousand stars in a distant beach

We tread mighty mountains on blistering feet

Desiring to brighten someone else's day
In return seeking mere acknowledgment
Often in vain, in all wrong places

We yearn to come home into arms that clutch strong

To love so much that it hurts sometimes
To trust someone enough to let them free
And to know we will be missed when we truly leave

We strive too hard to touch another soul

To leave behind footprints on the sands of time
But all it takes to erase those fragile prints permanently
is one paltry wave. (Behold!)

Now playing: If you want me by Marketa Irglova and Glen Hansard

And I dream on

I have spent several hours pondering on growing old, the latest occasion being a few weeks ago when I was walking on a deserted beach.

At a point when there are many more decades behind me than ahead, would regret be the foremost thought in my mind? Would I still shrink my face in disgust that regret should be the first emotion that I even consider?

Would my path be partaken by some stroke of luck leaving memories of contentment to withhold? Would I still be a dreamer of improbabilities? Or would I have lived long enough for one such thing to cross over into the realm of reality by sheer statistics?

The only thing I'm certain about is that I would still be a crazy over-thinker :)

Anyway, if I have a chance I'd love to come back to this place on a day when panicking about bug reports is a thing of the past. I'd watch the sunset from this very bench, with a glass of wine to accompany me. Or whiskey if I'm particularly feisty that night. Mark Knopfler's Rudiger would surely be playing. As the sun sinks into the Pacific, I'd hit replay and close my eyes.

And hence I dream on!

P.S. @Aravinth: Me: 1 | Stereotype: 0  

The view from another side

"Hear the sound of their laughter ringing in the air, aren't they a merry party today? Let's walk with them for a while", I suggest. "Why, you ask? No reason, my dear! We don't have anything better to do for a few hours, do we? Come on now, we will have no trouble catching up with their slow pace."

We follow them at a distance as they cross a bridge. You say suddenly, "Look at the full moon shining ever so brightly! How beautiful its reflection is in the lake! If I stand close to the rails, I can even feel the breeze on my face." In your excitement, you stumble and knock off a bicycle that falls down clanging loudly. "Don't worry, the girls are unaware of our presence. They will not turn around", I reply to your relief. You are young, after all. In our world you haven't even come of age.

It is surreal, the girl with a ponytail exclaims. The red-haired girl runs up to her and clings to her arm. 

One girl drinks something that she finds quite delectable. "It has chocolate and coffee and vodka! Beat that!" The girl on her right is unconvinced, she wouldn't touch the drink. You wonder aloud, "Are they playing some game? I don't understand. They seem to be happy one minute, and hate each other the next". "Ah! These humans are a very insecure race", I reply with wisdom.

They take in familiar sights, and trod on well worn out paths. They recount old stories to gales of laughter. The girl in the green dress realizes with a pang that she has to leave soon. She scribbles a hurried note, jabbering of memories to cherish. She wishes that their last hug will last a tiny moment longer. She gently pries her fingers away from her friend's hand whispering that there is never enough time.

I see kindness in your eyes when you say, "Aren't the young ones lucky to have each other?" I laugh heartily. "Hold my staff, child. We have another place to visit before the day breaks. A postman near Belgrade is out of means to send his daughter to school."

Now losing my mind to Radiohead. Breathe, keep breathing..

What's happening?

It has been quite some time since I wrote a long post. Or talked to someone. Or did some significant work at office. Or read a long book. Or took myself seriously. I wonder why.

On my best friend's birthday I could hardly speak anything after the customary happy birthday. As I stood in the corridor outside my lab trying hard to make a non-mundane conversation happen, I realized I had succeeded in becoming truly alone.

I have disconnected myself from all semblances of relationships. Until this phase in life, there were always a few people to whom I could pick up the phone and talk as if just a day, not months, passed from when we previously spoke. But at some point of time in the recent past, I seem to have drifted farther and farther. The elastic band which always brought me back to the center by its recoil seems to have broken finally.

I do not have too many thoughts in my head these days. From being a person with multiple layers of intertwined thoughts that served as my bane on a daily basis, I am now moving on to 'not having too many thoughts'. I suppose this is a significant achievement, though I am clueless about its origins. If I had something to focus on, like a final exam or a class project due in a week, I would probably do it good justice without any distraction. But now that I don't have any pressing concern (refer the part where I say I haven't done significant work at office in a long time), I am a little lost.

Earlier, I used to have a variety of emotions close to the surface. There was a band/book/TV show that I absolutely loved to the very core (EddieVedder/LoTR/House was the fucking best thing that ever happened on the planet, EVER). I constantly held a grudge or two (but she promised she would call back 2 years, 6 months and 11 days ago, and that was only the 6th time she forgot). I vehemently hated a few wrong things that some stupid people do (there is no sane reason that a hostel can dare impose a different set of rules on men and women, and the worst part of it all was the girls and their parents who aided these decisions by abiding them. and this was the REASON the college sucked, the country remained backward). I could go on, but I think you get the point.

But now I don't have too much feelings. I am more at peace with myself and the world. Maybe I am just happy, instead of the usual binary euphoric or depressed? This is new.

Well, things are rolling. Let's see where this wave takes me.

Wait a minute! Strike out the part when I talked about Eddie in the past tense. Because, Ed IS the fucking best thing that ever happened on earth! I saw him twice, in a month. Me and a friend, glazed eyes, hoarse throats, all reason lost as he started with Pendulum. I heard him sing black. I was a part of the crowd that sang betterman as he watched along. Love you, Ed!

Now playing: Nothing is playing, didn't you read the post? (rolling eyes) I am in a state of temporary inaction!

The Wait

One little token of acknowledgment
was all that she longed for
she had thrown all caution into the winds
sold herself out to those few words

With bated breath she waited
she could neither drink nor eat
joy and sorrow blended into unfamiliar numbness
the moment she surrendered the last ounce of her self

A slight prod was immensely alluring
just a stretch of a hand away
prevailed an ephemeral respite
With a bitter fight she held the resolve of silence

Laid her soul naked in vulnerability
days and nights she waited in vain
a teeny nod in her direction
how was it too much to ask!?


Now playing: Time

Here is a wistful response.

Alas, I don't have with me that which your heart seeks
the perfect future is naught but a happy dream
so dear to me I hold you still
I flinch in dismay at your lost hope

Caught warily in this spectacle
I know not how to soothe you
when every look could lead you to misfortune
when a single act could drown you in spurious hope

Oh! if words are all you want
a thousand poems I'd adorn you with
if a touch of your arm would go a long way in relief 
I'd hug you close and hold you for a while

Life happened!

I once had a classmate with whom I used to do assignments. He was an incredibly pessimistic person who, apparently, didn't let himself find happiness in the world because it was in his knowledge and the world's capacity for it to be a far better place than it is, and the ignorance of the mass, or rather their choice to feint ignorance, is what is stopping it from happening. Most of our mutual friends thought he was just being stupid himself, but I think I understand his desperate anger. Leaving his view of the world aside, for that is not what I intend to write about and in my typical fashion I digressed before I even began writing, he once walked towards me and my friend slowly with his head drooping on his right shoulder. It was near the end of the semester and he looked like college had taken everything out of his being and my friend asked him what had happened. He replied, "Life happened". This was one of those abstract things that could come back at some later point and set my mind thinking vaguely about anything and everything. Needless to say, it did.